Let’s begin with the basics: What is psychotherapy, or talk therapy, as it’s often referred to? Simply, psychotherapy refers to using psychological techniques and theories to address psychological issues. In a comfortable, confidential, non-judgmental atmosphere, you tell me what’s on your mind, and I listen carefully and respond, drawing on various psychological theories, my years of experience, and my common sense. As we discuss your concerns, I might offer you a new way of looking at them, reframe some of what you’ve told me.
One theory I use, called “family systems,” holds that often people will play roles as adults very much like the ones they played in their families of origin. While those roles might have worked when you were young, they may not work as well now. That’s something we could explore. It’s often easier to change a behavior or a mindset once you understand how it got started.
As adjuncts to therapy, I might recommend some books or movies. If you’ve become depressed or anxious, I might recommend you do more of what you love, be around people who are supportive and positive, maybe meditate, or engage in more exercise, or join a group. With the insight you’ve gained in our sessions, and with that additional support, you might feel a little more energized, more hopeful, more willing to make some changes.
Why might you consider psychotherapy? If you feel stuck in a behavior, or if a mood seems to be interfering with your life, you may want to get a better understanding of what’s holding you back. Or if you feel you’re in a troubled relationship – with a spouse, friend, boss, or someone else – you may want to understand how you came to be in that relationship and how to either function better in it or possibly end it. Being in such a relationship may even be at the root of depression or anxiety. No matter the reason, when you’re in the middle of difficulties, it can be hard to appreciate what options are possible, and psychotherapy may help you find those options and think about each one more clearly.
Let’s say you’ve decided to try psychotherapy, then how do you know if you’re with the right therapist? First, it’s good to find out how often your therapist has dealt with concerns like yours, such as relationship issues, addictions, creative blocks, divorce, grief, depression, anxiety, parenting, or other specialty. Perhaps even more important is whether you feel heard and understood. Is the therapist asking questions that make sense? Is the therapist totally focused on you, engaged in what you’re saying, interested and caring? And do you feel enough trust in the therapist to talk about things you might never have told anyone?
If in the first few sessions you feel motivated to think differently about your situation and possibly make some changes, that too may be a good indicator that you and the therapist have made a good connection. As Irvin Yalom, one of the preeminent psychotherapists of our time, states: “You want your client to come out of each session with some sense of a new perspective and a new experience.” I agree.
What makes for the most successful psychotherapy? According to psychology.net, “For decades, research has shown that the therapeutic relationship is the most powerful factor in determining a successful outcome. Establishing a strong and deep alliance requires that today’s therapists… creatively engage in their clients’ lives.” A key way therapists do this is by being empathetic, which means putting themselves in your place, to understand how you might be feeling.
Empathy is the cornerstone of any good relationship, including the psychotherapeutic one. In our digital/mobile age, with its emails, texting, and social media, and with an emphasis on speed and brevity, empathy is often harder to find. In providing the opportunity to develop a more meaningful relationship, psychotherapy, like most face-to-face interaction, may help us retain and nurture our connection with one another.
At its best, psychotherapy ought to be an uplifting experience, filled with new information, new perspectives, insights, more self-awareness, more other-awareness, support, empathy, and compassion. Psychotherapy can provide you with new tools to travel through life, to help you become more content, confident, and happy. It can be an oasis in our fast-paced world.
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